I am a fan of American Idol. I watch it more often than I am willing to admit. When nobody is around, I even do vocal runs and hit all high notes. Every Tuesday and Wednesday night, I watch Randy pack on pounds of Mac makeup, not brush his hair (or the bottom row of his teeth for that matter. Them mugs are YELLOW!), and squeeze into skinny jeans that give him a muffin top. I watch Ellen know absolutely nothing about music, and blink way too much. And I see Kara speak one way to white people, and a completely different way to black people (exaggerated head bobbing, urban slang, hand movements).
Why do I do it? Because every once in a while, a star is born.
Enter one Jennifer Hudson. J-Hud sings so great, it makes me want to chop my hair into a spiked asymmetrical bob and have 8 kids! Her voice resonates so strongly it’s almost unnatural. A talented singer AND actress, she went from American Idol reject to Oscar Award winner. I have nothing bad to say about her. Ever.
However, I’ve got serious beef with her manager. After Dreamgirls, Mr. Manager went crazy and thought Jennifer Hudson was really Effie White. Her movie roles make her seem older than she is. Both Dreamgirls and The Secret Life of Bees were set in the 60s. And now she’s set to play Winnie Mandela in a biopic. Shoot, the only current role she got was playing a “personal assistant” (pronounced “Mamie“) in the Sex and the City movie!! Ain’t that bout a [female dog]?!
Musically, her album sounded like a throwaway from Aretha Franklin’s collection in 1968. She’s 28, not 68!! You know what? I’ma start calling Jennifer Hudson “Patti Labelle 2.0“. Like Patti, all her gigs apparently require singing/shrieking at awards shows, usually in tributes to older/fallen stars. Out-sing Whitney Houston? Shoop. Aretha Franklin? Plead for “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” from Aretha Franklin? Done. “Hee-hee” for MJ? Did it…twice.
She’s got a beautiful voice, and a great pair of, err, lungs (What did you think I was going to say?). I want to hear her sing her own songs for once, not a gospel-y version of someone else’s. Crap, soon she’ll start flapping her arms like a bird, kicking her shoes off, and rolling on the floor.
Patti Syndrome is a [maternal parent fornicator]!! (See 3:40)
I mean, I’m just sayin…